Oh man, has it really be nearly a year since I have last posted? I would say that I can’t believe it, but, sadly, I can. My social anxiety reaches a fever pitch, and when you couple that with some really difficult life situations, it leads me to become a hermit.
So, this is me venturing back into the blogosphere. I thought I had best start with a life update: a lot has happened! But, no matter the good or bad things that may have happened in 2019, the most important thing in my life is about to turn 18 months old!!
Jordan is a healthy and happy toddler, growing like a weed and amazing me every single day with how much he develops, seemingly overnight. He was a bit of a late sitter (8 months) and crawler (9 months), but he began pulling up and cruising early (10 months), then began walking unassisted at 13 months. Now at nearly 18 months, he is running around the house like a Tasmanian devil, climbing onto sofas, ascending staircases, and generally making merry mischief. He thrives off of a steady diet of bananas and peanut butter, summarily eschewing anything green. He seems to take after his grandfather in that respect … perhaps loving vegetables skips a generation?
I feel eternally grateful to be this child’s mom, so going through secondary infertility as we struggle to have another child often leads me to feel guilty. After all, even though we had to go through IVF to have Jordan, at least we have him. And so going through countless needles, pills, and probes in 2019 – with nothing to show for it – leads me to feel a crude combination of sorrow and guilt. Sorrow because my heart aches in longing for a little girl to hold in my arms; guilt because I’m an infertility survivor with a healthy, happy living child, which is not something that every infertility warrior can say.
Alas, I suffered a devastating miscarriage over Christmas. Like, literally Christmas Day. At the time, I felt numb to the pain, because I think I knew from the beginning that this pregnancy wasn’t going to end in a live birth, almost like my heart knew what was going to happen, so it guarded me from ever getting too happy to be expecting my little girl. We know she was a girl. Her name is Seraphina, because it reminds me of angels. I’m not religious, but, as they say, desperate people find faith.
Also, and I don’t even know how much I can talk about this publicly, but I started a job, which I quite enjoyed. However, they (illegally) fired me when they found out about my infertility. I won’t go into any details beyond that, because 1) I would want to talk to my lawyer first to see what’s OK for me to say since there is a pending EEOC charge, and 2) it’s honestly too painful. I know that must sound stupid for it to be painful, but infertility and pregnancy loss are already such highly stigmatized subjects, that it physically pains me to be treated so unfairly because of what is a poorly understood disability. Once all the dust is settled with the legal stuff, I may talk more about my experiences openly. Or maybe not, if it’s still too painful. All I know is that my financial footing was ripped out from underneath me during the midst of an incredibly grueling medical process (IVF). After that happened (days before my birthday, no less – which they knew), I sort of fell into a mental black hole.
I realize I’ve been talking almost exclusively about super depressing things in this life update post, so I’ll end on a really positive note. I have finally, finally finished writing my first novel! It’s a cozy mystery, the first in an intended series (I’m currently about 25% through writing the second book). If there’s one good thing that’s come out of all this loss and feeling upended, it’s that I’ve had the chance to wholly devote myself to creative writing.
I’m busy with querying agents at the moment (unsuccessfully, so far, though statistically that’s to be expected). I’m also researching how best to market myself as an author, so I’ve decided to add a YouTube channel for the occasional video about writing or reading. Speaking of which, here is a link to my first video, a book review!
So, dear reader, how have you been since last we spoke? Let me be the first to wish you all a happy Groundhog Day!