Cradling Hope

Before I begin this post, I need to issue a trigger warning: This post is about infertility struggles (but not miscarriage or loss). Proceed with caution.


Well, if the trigger warning didn’t give today’s topic away, I don’t know what will.

After much deliberation, I’ve decided to come clean publicly about my our current struggles with infertility. It’s been close to a year now, and we recently started going to Nashville Fertility Center (NFC).

But until now, I’ve only told a select handful of people. Not out of embarrassment, or even a sense of privacy, really. I honestly don’t know why I’ve mostly kept it to myself until now.

I’ve wanted so desperately to have comfort from others, and especially to know I’m not alone in this struggle. I mean, logically of course I know I’m not alone. Places like NFC wouldn’t exist in every major city if I were alone in this. Heck, I am well aware of at least a handful of acquaintances on Facebook who have been open with their struggles.

So, I technically know I’m not alone, but I feel oh so alone. Weird, huh?

Any-hoo.

That’s basically why I’m coming out with this publicly now. Because I know there have got to be way more people out there just like me who want to feel less alone. And by telling my story as it unfolds, if I can help even one other person feel less alone, I’ll in turn help myself feel less alone.

We did our first cycle of medicated IUI (intra-uterine insemination) this past month. This is also why you guys haven’t seen me around these parts much lately (remember my super vague life update last week? yeah, this is the explanation). Fertility meds (which for me include chemo) are serious business, as are the side effects. Not to mention the whole emotional roller coaster of it all.

I found out today (well, yesterday by the time this post goes live) that this first cycle was not successful.

To say that I am gutted is an understatement.

You all know that I am a statistician, so you’d think that I’d be able to make the numbers prevail and give me hope, right? Our personal situation is generally considered the “best” type of infertility to have, so logically I know that the chances are good that IUI will eventually work.

Yet all the statistics in the world fly out the window when it comes to my emotions over this journey. My PTSD from losing my mom reaches out from the past and warps my outlook. My depression manifests itself in an unrelenting pessimism that my poor husband cannot understand (bless him and his optimism! I need it!!).

And obviously none of that pessimism is healthy, at all.

This is the part of the post where I’m supposed to shift the tone to be cheery and optimistic and tell you all that, in spite of struggling, I’m keeping my chin up.

When the truth is, sometimes I keep my chin up, but a lot of the time I just feel scared and alone and honestly kinda mad at my body and at the universe. And that’s the honest truth.

For anyone who I know in real life reading this, please don’t be scared to talk to me about it. I’m happy to be an open book about what’s going on in treatments.

For anyone reading this with whom it resonates, if you ever want to chat about it, I want to as well! You can DM me on Twitter (@mosaicca_blog) or email me at charlottegrahamblog@gmail.com.

Now that I’ve “come out,” I plan to post updates every now and again, if for no other reason than my own catharsis. I also plan on going into greater details on diagnoses and treatments eventually. But I wanted this first post just to be an introduction to coming out with infertility.

In closing, please send your prayers and positive vibes our way. I really appreciate it.

Until next time,

xoxo Charlotte

P.S. For the life of me I couldn’t think of an appropriate featured image for this blog post, so I decided just to use a photo from our most recent Disney trip a couple of weeks ago, because it makes me happy, and I could really use a smile right now.

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11 comments

  1. Oh Charlotte. Sending you hugs and prayers. I will remember you in my prayers and I am trusting God to see you through this and answer your prayers, meeting you at your point of need/desire. It shall be well my dear. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it took courage but I do believe that it will help encourage others as it also helps you talk about your journey. It shall be well ❤

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  2. I understand all that you’re going through, Charlotte. This was an experience for me close to 30 years ago, so I’m sure the process is quite different, but the emotions are certainly still the same. I had even finally come to terms with the fact that I may never have my own children and started thinking about adoption. After several different avenues, I am here to say that I have 3 beautiful grown children of my own! It’s not an easy road, but you need all of the love and support you can get from friends and family. My minister at the time was one of my great comforts. Prayers for you and your family, and for the family you will have some day! Feel those emotions, don’t hide them. Many positive thoughts your way.

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  3. Love and light to you and your hubby. I know someone who struggled with it and didn’t tell me about it for more than a year. And she and I had lived together and were super close. From my end, I never felt hurt or upset that she didn’t share sooner. It is a very personal struggle and sometimes ii is just super hard to talk about over and over and over. She now has a set of twins who will be 3 this summer. Thank you for sharing your personal struggle. You have a lot of love in you and around you. I have faith that you will be blessed with a child when the time is right. ❤

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  4. Thank you for sharing this with us!! This is a problem that so many couples face, and I hope that being open only means more support. It can be such a difficult process- physically and mentally- and I am sending every positive thought your way!! I know that everything will end up where it is supposed to ☺ I am always here!!

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  5. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. Thank you for opening up and sharing. Last year, I opened up about my post-partum depression through blogging and found enormous support from friends, family, and fellow bloggers. I hope you feel the same.

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  6. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a very strong woman! I have my fingers and toes crossed for you that it all works out for you and I am so very sorry that it didn’t work this time. Sending lots of love xx

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  7. Oddly the thing that most resonates with me is when you mentioned the PTSD about losing your mom and how that reaches back from the past. I…never thought about it like that before, but if the symptoms fit, one should wear them. It takes an immense amount of bravery to talk about something that leaves you feeling so hollow, and even more to talk about how the feelings are exacerbated by mental health. Things that others could just let roll by, and they don’t understand why you’re so affected. I’m so happy you have your optimistic husband for support. I wish I had some encouraging words, but really all I can offer is a reaffirmation that you certainly aren’t alone in this struggle, but like so many other health issues it is isolating because the way the mind works. I understand the trials of mental health and loss and how they don’t leave you in peace when you most need it 😥

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  8. I can’t help but notice your break in posting since this. Am I to assume this post is a direct link to that? I sincerely hope that you’re alright: that you both are. I send my very best vibes to you both in the hope that you can come through this issue and get what you want. I hope that, when it works, everything will fall back into place in your head too. You know where to contact me if you need an impartial pair of eyes to bend (as opposed to ears as we don’t physically talk—obviously). I hope to see you back in the blogosphere soon. All my best to you both.

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